I don’t know what I feel. But there is someone inside me who keeps telling me “Give up. Wake up and see the real world.” There is also  someone else and he is lost in the depths of the bed and although he is soaked in sweat, he looks at me so strongly. He says it can’t end. This love can’t end. This race can’t end. This war can’t end. He looks at me like the devil. He is drooling from his passion. He says this match can’t end because we are so used to it. What else will we do if it ends? It can’t end because we can’t continue living. He says there is such great desire and ambition inside us that it won’t let us live.

I think the basic reason for the existence of a human being is the goal. This goal can be a huge goal or a tiny goal. The simplest example of this idea is this: if you don’t have even a goal like going to the coffee shop on the corner and buying coffee when you wake up in the morning, you can’t live. But even if you have a small goal like this, even a small goal, like a cup of coffee, will motivate you to wake up the next day and start the day. You burn all night long to reach that coffee. What if this goal is not as simple as buying coffee? If it is a bit complicated and requires effort? If there is a fire burning inside you, you still go after it. Because maybe it is the existence of your goal that keeps you alive. In fact, the difficulty levels of people’s goals depend on their personalities. The example of buying coffee given here is of course a metaphor. If your personality is a beast that does not know how to give up, you will try to reach your goal by working hard and spending years, no matter how much effort it requires.

What if you can’t reach that goal in the end? Or how would the beast inside you feel if you reached your goal but couldn’t touch it or live it? Please think. There is a beast inside you and other you. Which one gives up, the beast or you?

Here I am. I have been dealing with such a beast for years. This beast captured me in 2009. I am 30  and for the sake of that beast for  16 years I have lived in Turkey, Malta, England, Germany, and Poland in order to “become an actor exactly as the beast wanted”. I studied in my home country of Turkey in an acting undergraduate program and a dramatic arts graduate program, then I studied English in Malta for a year. The beast said it was not enough and I moved to England and studied English there for a year. After that, I worked in theatres .I attended countless acting workshops. The beast said it wasn’t enough. I founded my own theatre company and started a one-man play. The beast said it wasn’t enough. I designed the second play and directed it. The beast said it wasn’t enough. I went on a tour of Germany. I lived there for a year and directed two English-language plays in two different German theatres (Theater Aufbau Kreuzberg Berlin and Ballhaus Prinzenallee). The beast said it wasn’t enough. I attended thousands of acting workshops in Berlin and Hamburg later I participated in workshops at the Grotowski Institute and Studio Matejka in Poland. The beast said it wasn’t enough. I set up a theatre lab at a college in Malta and taught English theatre there for a year. The beast said it wasn’t enough. I set up a theatre lab again at a college in Turkey and taught English theatre and then I directed 8 different theatre plays there. I took playwriting courses and wrote plays. Then I wrote a series. The beast said it wasn’t enough. Then I worked as an actor in many projects in famous theatres and on television. I have received awards.



I did all of these things to do what the beast wanted: “to be an actor exactly as the beast wanted”. The beast’s wish was not just to be an actor waiting for a role in a theater in my country or a role in a television project. I have the ability to act, direct, present and teach in both Turkish and English.It wasn’t a gift comes innately I had acquired these skills thanks to the beast. It was wishing me to do the biggest one even bigger than me. The beast said it wasn’t enough and told me my biggest goal: have a master’s degree abroad and then open up to the world.

The beast may not have been acting reasonably, but I had to be rational. I was a poor young artist from a impoverished and non-artist family. All the countries I visited and the education I received. I did all of this by working on my own and paying off debts to banks for years. I worked in at least one restaurant in almost every capital city in Europe. I worked as an animator and a presenter. My family could no longer support me financially or cognitively because it was sheer madness.

To achieve my biggest goal which is having a master’s degree abroad I’ve learned English, which I hadn’t had the chance to learn during my primary, secondary, high schooland university years, within 3 years by working hard and living in Europe. I got enough band from the academic exam (IELTS) required to apply to schools. Then I applied to schools and got into a total of 7 schools.I received master’s admissions from 7 different schools and from four different countries. After receiving acceptance from The American Academy of Dramatic Arts in United States,  The Commedia School in Denmark, Lassad School in Belgium, Manchester Metropolitan University Contemporary Performance Department, University of Kent Physical Acting Department, Middlesex University Theater Art Department, and Arts Education London Acting Department in England I have not been able to find any scholarship to attend any program and stayed in my country due to the coronavirus pandemic.

The beast said it wasn’t enough. A few years later, it played its biggest card. This time, I was going to apply to the ROYAL ACADEMY OF DRAMATIC ART (RADA). I applied and got into the MA Theater LAB department. I became the third may be the second Turkish student who  got into this programme in the world. I reached my goal but I couldn’t touch it and live. I will state this very clearly and explicitly. Two very, very renowned actors from Turkey left me halfway. They told me that they would sponsor me for the school fees and they did nothing but make me wait. I looked for a scholarship everywhere but I couldn’t find one. Of course, I own no right to blame people. They don’t have to support me. I’m not a teenager, I’m a mature person at 30 whereas the beast. It’s not like that? I’ve seen many difficulties mentally and financially but I couldn’t give up. I couldn’t dream of having another profession, earning a regular salary, and having a beautiful marriage.

On October 3, 2024, I found out that I would not be able to attend the last school (RADA) I was accepted to owing to a deficiency in finance. I don’t know what  I feel since that day but there is someone inside me who  keeps telling me “Give up. Wake up and see the real world.” There is also someone else and he is lost in the depths of the bed and although he is soaked in sweat, he looks at me so strongly. He says it can’t end. This love can’t end. This race can’t end. This war can’t end. He looks at me like the devil. He is drooling from his passion. He says this match can’t end because we are so used to it. What else will we do if it ends? It can’t end because we can’t continue living. He says that there is such great desire and ambition inside us that it won’t let us live.
That’s the voice of the beast and he told me that his new goal is to remember and remind myself.

Here, I am waking up from the depression caused by the feeling of “disappointment” that I experienced for the first time in my life while I am writing this letter.

I just wrote earlier that :
What if you can’t reach that goal in the end? Or how would the beast inside you feel if you reached your goal but couldn’t touch it or live it? Please think. There is a beast inside you and  other you. Which one gives up, the beast or you?
I gave up. The beast is right. I am bound to do whatever it takes to achieve this goal. Help me feed the beast! since he doesn’t give up.

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